Just 4 Today...

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life

"Put Your Records On"- C. Bailey Rae

Thank God for the weekend!

I was running low prior to it and am feeling much better now.

I did not lift a finger this weekend. I stayed in the house. I did not fold one stitch of clothing, slept all day (Saturday and Sunday) and had a marathon music/singing/dancing moment last night.

Thank you Mariah Carey and Smirnoff Vodka. I felt so free listening to all of her cds while singing along (badly, I might add! hahaha). I kept my glass of "adult beverage" in my hand the whole time (not spilling one drop!). I was in my own world and it felt GREAT!

I have been so concerned lately about everything around me. I have been trying to control everything instead of allowing life to happen.

Don't ask me why I am so on edge right now. I don't want to be, but for some reason, I can't help it.

I think it is because nothing in my life is set in stone right now. I am used to structure, but nothing is structured right now. I feel like everything is hanging on by a string.

Well, this weekend helped me to relax. It gave me time to reflect and decide what to do in order to get that structure back in my life. 

The first thing I realized is that I can't be SO concerned about others and their decisions (we each have our own stories and reasons we do the things we do). 

The second thing I realized is that I have to take time to relax (in my mind, I already have a nice warm bath waiting for me when I get home).

The third thing I realized is that I have to focus on the positive again. All of this negative stuff was around me back in the day, but I chose to focus on other things. It came across in my writing, my attitude and my actions. 

My quiet reflective time this weekend was just what I needed. I was able to be completely honest with myself about certain things.

My solo-music party was just what I needed as well. Dancing around in my underwear (hahaha) allowed me to free myself of so much stress and get in touch with my mojo again.

I didn't take myself so seriously. I was goofy. Life was exactly what it should have been in that moment.

I am still in a good mood.

Kenny - The Avatar

 

"Cherish" - Madonna

Gotta love the avatars!!!

I am all about self expression and, in this digital age, I have to admit that avatars are one of my favorite tools for it.

This is the one I created for myself last night.

Feel free to add me to your IM lists if you'd like. I can't promise how often I will be logged on, but I would love to see all of your avatars. I would love to see how you envision yourself.

Yahoo! Id: kennyking78 

Reality

"I Can See Clearly Now"- J. Nash

Have you ever heard some news that quite literally shocked you enough to change your opinion, thoughts and actions the very moment that it reached your ears?

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with someone very close to me and was told something that I was not expecting to hear.

In hindsight, the information presented to me, though stinging/sobering, was very helpful in allowing me identify something about myself.

I have a tendency to, quite often, put all of my eggs in one basket. Whether it be with close friends, family or relationships.

I guess I just assumed that these important people in my life wanted to carry all of my eggs and give me theirs in return. That was ignorant on my part.

Well, the game is different now. There has been a shift.

I relied too much on my surrounding situations to breathe life into me instead of breathing life into my surrounding situations.

I am going to take it much easier from now on out. That's a promise. 

Enough?

"Realize" - C. Caillat

Question. When in a relationship with someone, what do you do to make the person you are with feel as if he/she is important to you?

What do you do to make him/her feel like he/she is ENOUGH?

Yahoo! posted this article on its website last night listing Cosmopolitan Magazine's top 10 relationship tips. Though I am not an avid Cosmo reader, I had to give props to the list.

Many of the tips seemed like no brainers, but I had to really think about it and wonder if I have ever really gotten/given many of them in my relationships. Surprisingly, my answer was an easy, NO.

You would think something as simple as rubbing your spouses arm while watching tv on the couch, holding hands while walking down the street, or buying small surprise gifts (it is amazing what a simple card can do to stir the soul), but I wonder how often those things are put on the backburner due to LIFE taking precedence.

So, I ask the question again, when in a relationship with someone, what do you do to make the person you are with feel as if he/she is important to you?

What do you do to make him/her feel like he/she is ENOUGH?

If you love someone, do something for him/her today that shows it.

You See It Your Way... I See It Mine

   

"If The Shoe Was On The Other Foot"- P. LaBelle

I feel the way I feel.

You feel the way you feel.

Sometimes we are not going to agree.

But it is my hope that we can find a way to at least meet each other in the middle.

I respect the way you feel. I hope that you respect the way I feel.

Because I respect the way you feel I will try my hardest not to put you in an awkward position.

But I refuse to feel awkward either.

I am a gay man.

It is not always easy because, as a gay man, I am sometimes hurt by the decisions my family and lovers make.

I have my imperfections as well and am capable of hurting the ones I love too.

We are all human.

During those times, it makes it hard to be a gay man.

I look forward to tomorrow though.

With time comes clarity for everyone.

With tomorrow comes another chance to get it right.

When I wake up tomorrow I will still be a gay man.

With all of my imperfections, insecurities, hopes, dreams and desires, I will be PERFECTLY gay.

Love it or leave it.

And The Band Played On

   

"(Let's Get Back to the) Fundamental Things" - M. Dolittle

I almost went down last week.

My tank was running on empty.

Things were heavy on my mind.

I could not shake the visions in my head.

It is amazing what time with friends, good conversation with the man I love, a good book, a nap, and a couple of good workouts can do to help heal the soul.

I feel stronger this week.

I might not feel like I can move mountains yet, but I am heading in that direction again.

When I get lost in my own thoughts, I have to remember the bigger picture.

I have a purpose.

I am here to motivate others.

Only when I am operating in my purpose is everything the way it should be in my life.

How can I motivate if I am down myself?

How can I motivate if I get lost in things I can't control?

That is why I am actively taking control.

I am saying what is on my mind.

I am feeling what is in my heart.

I am leaning on the belief that things will work out.

I am pushing forward.

Get A Life

"Let's Get Loud" - J.Lo

I have been so freaking bored this week it is unbelievable!

I have got to change some stuff up. 

I need some hobbies and some new friends to hang out with in my spare time.

I have got to stop being so emotional about things that I guess I have no control over.

I have got to figure out how to get some more money in my pocket.

I need to believe in myself again.

I need to pray more.

I need not feel threatened by meaningless things.

 2009 is definitely proving to be a new, changing and challenging year for me. I have to completely adjust to an abundance of change, and quite honestly, I don't know if I was really expecting all of this soooooooooooo quickly.

I don't know which way to go. I am so emotional about a lot of different things and can't easily prioritize at the moment.

I need a hug.

 

Part-Time Job

"Work To Do"- V. Williams

I said I would not do it... be 30 and work a part-time job in addition to my full time job. I did it in my early 20s and never had a need for it after that. Well times have changed.

In the midst of a recession and starting a new life it would be wise of me to give some of my free time in hopes of making sure that there is a cushion of money should we need some to make ends meet or prepare for bigger moves later (I really don't want to come out of this recession without being a homeowner plus my boyfriend would like to go to culinary school-- I would love to help make that happen).

Though I don't want to work part-time (I enjoy going home and kicking my feet up after a long day at work and also enjoy my weekends!) I have to admit that in all of my past part time jobs (I have been a waiter, pizza delivery guy, and computer software instructor) I ended up having a great time, met great people and really hated leaving the jobs once I got burned out or promoted at my primary jobs.

I am trying to remain positive about the whole part-time job thing.

Honestly, right now, I am too isolated and probably need the outlet to become a better rounded person again. I have spent the last few years chasing dreams that will never come true. During that time I have lost contact with many and, outside of TallT and Xman, don't really have any local connections that I can really call on to hang out with at a moments notice. Don't get me wrong, I am completely content with my circle remaining small, but life is all about evolving and I am aware that the dynamics of our relationships will change. No need in holding on so tightly to the past.

I don't know what kind of part-time work I want to do. I have never done retail, but I don't know if that is my thing. I love buying clothes... don't know if I really want to sell them! Hell, I should probably hit up the local Burger King and flip some burgers... that's a no-brainer/no nonsense kind of job... just don't know if I want to get all greasy!

Actually I don't have a problem doing retail or fast food. Maybe I will be a waiter. The key to this part time job, for me, will be all about balance. I don't want my entire life to about work. I have a relationship, family, gym time and dogs to worry about as well. 

I don't want to burn out or neglect other areas of my life.

Keep your fingers crossed.

You Faithful?

"The Sweetest Days"- V. Williams

In the last week, when letting three of my friends (who I have not talked to in a while) know that I was in a new relationship, instead of asking me whether or not I was happy, the first question out of each of their mouths was, "are you faithful?"

I would have thought nothing of it if I were asked once or if I did not sound happy when I was telling them, but to have each of them (also gay men) ask struck me as odd.

My answer to each of them was, "Yes, I am faithful." TallT has given me no reason to cheat or step out on him. I have faith in my relationship and it would not be worth it to me to put anything in front of it or allow anything to jeopardize it.

As gay men (or men in general), are we programmed to cheat or not be with one person? Is it possible to be with one person and one person only and still be satisfied? 

I am still trying to understand why my friends asked me such a question? Especially since I am not particularly close to either one of them? I mean, if I were, in fact, to cheat, they would not be the ones I would confide in anyway. 

Bottom line, I like sex. It is good and fun. But it can be good or fun with anyone. I LOVE sex with TallT. There is something about our connection. I would hate to give that to anyone else. I would really hate to come home and look him in the eye after having sex with anyone else behind his back. 

I am 30 years old now, and it is about more than sex to me (believe me, I DO want to keep it as hot and steamy as possible). Can I come home and talk to you? Can I put my arms around you at night? Can you roll over and put yours around me? Is yours a face I want to wake up next to? Can I trust you when I look into your eyes? Can we help each other rise?

All of that would be in jeopardy if I were to step out on my man.

Am I faithful?

Yes I am. Without a shadow of a doubt.