Just 4 Today...

Switching It Up

"Free" - T. Dexter

I woke up today in some kind of mood.

Not a good one. Not a bad one.

A different one.

My first thought when I woke up was, "Time to get busy."

Instead of going through my regular routine (putting on the same pair of jeans, a polo shirt and normal work shoes and dragging out the house), I got up, looked in the mirror, gave myself a pep talk, jumped in the shower (enjoyed myself while in), threw on a nice pair of fitted jeans, some Kenneth Cole loafers and a nice knitted summer sweater, sprayed on some Versace cologne, brushed my teeth, kissed my man and was on my way.

I was really tired yesterday, so I took a nap when I got home. I woke up and did not do too much at all. I was really bored so I spent the night on MySpace and Xtube (lame). The highlights included watching American Idol and Fringe (though good episodes, the entire scene was still really lame and low key).

I am going to make the most out of today. I have been a wallflower lately, but now I want to be seen. I want to make a splash.

I am about to get up off of this blog so I can aggressively attack my workload at the J-O-B. Today marks the beginning of Pride festivities in Las Vegas. Perhaps I will hit up underwear night at one of the gay bars tonight and drink for free in my skivvies. Perhaps I will rent some movies I have been wanting to see and wait to do it big on the weekend. We will see.

Hope you guys have a good day.

Life is a Whitney Houston Song

 

My FAVORITE song all ALL-TIME

Exhale (Shoop Shoop)

Every one falls in love sometime

Sometimes it's wrong, and sometimes it's right
For every win, someone must fail
But there comes a point when
When we exhale (yeah, yeah, say)

Shoop, shoop, shoop
Shoop be doop, shoop, shoop
(repeat)

Sometimes you'll laugh
Sometimes you'll cry
Life never tells us, the when's or why's
When you've got friends, to wish you well
You'll find your point when
You will exhale (yeah, yeah, say)

Shoop, shoop, shoop
Shoop be doop, shoop, shoop
(repeat)

Hearts are often broken
When there are words unspoken
In your soul there's answers to your prayers
If you're searching for a place you know
A familiar face, somewhere to go
You should look inside yourself
You're halfway there

Sometimes you'll laugh
Sometimes you'll cry
Life never tells us, the when's or why's
But when you've got friend, to wish you well
You'll find your point when
You will exhale (yeah, yeah, say)

Shoop, shoop, shoop
Shoop be doop, shoop, shoop

 

 

What I Have Learned Along The Way

"Love Is All That Matters" - D. Ross

Minus the major rehaul that my life has endured over the last year, I normally pride myself for being a level-headed, postive, easy-going individual. I love myself and I love others.

I have always been a motivator by nature, but I had to learn to be comfortable in my skin before being able to do that for people.

Well, quite a few years ago I developed that confidence that I always wanted. It is only called into question when those that are important make me question it. Even in those cases, I don't allow the confidence out of my sight for long at all.

Life, to me, is like a gumbo... filled with all kinds of ingredients. Mixed correctly, it can be delicious, making you want to continue eating it. If it is missing something the entire gumbo is ruined.

These ingredients have helped make my life what it is:

• Smile Often- I didn't always like my smile, but surprisingly, it is what I get complimented on the most. I don't do it for attention. I do it so that I feel good and those around me are at ease and feel better as well.

• Laugh Everyday- Whether you are laughing at yourself, your favorite television show or Michelle Williams falling on BET there is SOMETHING out there worthy of a good chuckle.

• Express Love- Like I have said before. Love is a gift. You never know when it will be gone. Waiting or refusing to express it will do nothing but hurt you in the end. It is more than telling someone that you love him/her. Dedicate a song to the one you love. It is in your touch, a phone call, a kiss, a text message... a brand new car (okay!). The expression is what people inevitably remember and yearn for.

• Remain consistent- This is tricky, because some people's display of consistency could require them to be crabby individuals, but whether you know it or not, people are watching your moves. Have you ever wondered why, if you are positive individual, the minute you are feeling down about something several people notice in a heartbeat? Or vice-versa?

• Know Your Worth- Unfortunately, we live in a world full of jealous and unhappy people. Misery loves company, so don't expect people, sometimes even those who are closest to us, let you know that you are special. Define yourself for yourself.

• Exercise- Not only for aesthetic reasons, but because it is a great way to clear one's mind and literally SWEAT out the toxins in your body (plus there is PLENTY of eye candy in the gym that will help the time go by faster!).

• Pick Up A Book- Can't afford to travel? No problem. I went to New York, Rome, Atlanta and Paris long before actually stepping foot in any of the places all because I've been an avid reader since my childhood. Seeing these places with my own eyes after reading about them made me appreciate them more.

• Revisit Your Youth- So important. Life was much more simple then. Every now and then I will eat a bowl of cereal and play old Nintendo games... for the nostalgia.

• Find Your Sexy- We each have something sexy about us. It is your job to find your thing(s) and accentuate it (them).

• Balance Is Key- It can't all be about one thing in life. What happens when that one thing falls through? What happens when the well runs dry. What is your backup? Balance your job, family, relationships, hobbies, etc. so that you get the most out of life.

• Take A Picture, It'll Last Longer- Take more pictures. Smile in them. Everyone loves looking at someone else's pictures. They stand the test of time. Sometimes they are the only way to remember that you were there.

• Love Your Mother- No matter what she does, or you do to her. I never said that you had to necessarily like your mother, but love her just the same. She gave birth to your narrow behind. That's deep love in and of itself. She is allowed to overstep a few boundaries. Remember, you only get one and when she is gone she is gone.

• Lose Yourself In A Song- Sometimes you need to just strip down to your drawers and a t-shirt, put on your favorite song, close your eyes and DANCE like there is no tomorrow!

• Be Better From Year To Year- These don't have to be drastic changes, but be in a better place either spiritually, emotionally, physically or financially with every passing year.

• Speak Up- Sometimes people do things to you because you remain tight-lipped and allow it to happen. Let them know where you are coming from for a change.

• Establish Your Boundaries- Even the most loveable people have a certain area inside of them that can be damaged by those overstepping their boundaries. Once you have established them don't be afraid to enforce them.

• Believe In A Higher Power- For me, He is God. Without Him, all of the other things, in my opinion, would be fleeting. He is there for me when everyone is around, but more importantly, when NO ONE else can be found.

What has worked for you in your life?

Everyone's Favorite Topic... SEX

"Insatiable" - Prince and the NPG

I will be the first to admit it.

Sex.

I love it.

I love thinking about it, talking about it and most definitely HAVING it!

Everyone has their thing. Some like sex with strangers, some like sex with friends,some like group sex, some like sex with one person.

Bottom line, sex is hot.

I remember being younger and wanting to have sex so badly!

Once I started doing it, it was all that was on my mind. I was a horny little so-and-so in my early 20s. I am still a horny little so-and-so now that I am 30, only I have taken control of my actions instead of letting things be the other way around.

Sex with strangers, sex with friends, group sex, sex with one person... each carries its own appeal, but for me, where I am in my life right now, I am ALL about having BOMB sex with one person. I am open to spicing things up, if the situation calls for it, but for me, sex, in general, is no longer just about physical pleasure. 

In my early 20s, I will be honest. I was not worried about things like STDs. I was in the military and had to keep my stuff on the low so I would freak with other guys who were also in the military. I had a false sense of security because we all had medical insurance and were constantly getting bloodwork done for one thing or another. Don't ask me why it brought me peace, but it did.

Well, it is quite ironic that the one and only STD I ever contracted came during that time. I contracted chlamydia. I was treated for it and though the physical symptoms were no longer in my body, having contracted the infection changed my thought pattern when it came to sex indefinitely.

Up until that point, I was having sex with multiple people for the thrill and because it was accessible. I was in search of the next stimulating moment... thinking there was always something more out there. Even though I had some really HOT sessions, the only thing that remained a constant was fear/emptiness. I feared that the guy would out me and I would be kicked out of the military or feared that we would not speak anymore. I felt empty because I was just giving away all of my good stuff to people who really didn't mean anything to me (it was that moment when, right after cumming, that either he or I couldn't get our pants up fast enough and disappear... can I get a witness?!! Prior to actually getting into my first male-male relationship, I believe I only fell asleep afterwards and woke up with a man twice. I remember that feeling so good, but only twice? Something had to change.).

That is why I whole-heartedly subscribe to "Keepin' It Hot One on One". In this gay life, that may sound boring at first, but I find it more liberating than having sex with a whole lot of random people. Hell, the way I see it, we can get butt-naked in public and have sex while people watch if we want to break the monotony.

I am what one could call a monogamous freak. I am lucky to be in a relationship where we can speak freely about things like sex. We are not at all tight-lipped about it. We make our own rules and do what we want to and for each other. How refreshing.

I am glad that I had the opportunity in my life to define sex on my own terms and what I want it to be instead of letting sex define me and who I am as a person.

Any thoughts? 

Getaway

"Take You Down"- C. Brown

It is time.

I am pretty much burned out.

I am by no means depressed. I am just tired of the daily grind.

It is time to recharge. Rejuvenate. Recuperate.

I originally wanted my boyfriend to take a vacation because I could tell that he was stretched thin with everything that was going on around him, but I realized that I have been drained as well and deserve some time too.

I work my behind off.

My back and neck have been hurting for the majority of the last week.

I need the touch of and connection with my man with no outside distractions (kids, dogs, family members, exes, video games, conflicting sleep and work schedules, cell phones).

We briefly mentioned taking a few days away in the very near future. I am taking that to heart and researching some places close enough to drive away, but far enough to not be bothered. Maybe Reno. Maybe Sedona, Arizona.

Invest In You

 

"Soak Up The Sun"- S. Crow

I am looking around today and I am feeling good.

I woke up with the right attitude.

I looked at my man as he slept and I thanked God.

I put my feet on the floor, looked out the window and I thanked God.

As I drove to work, in spite of this economy, I thanked God.

What seemed so bleak and gray just a few weeks ago for me feels so bright and full of hope.

What's the difference?

I am investing in me again.

I am saying what is on my mind.

I am in the gym consistently.

I am letting my heart feel what it feels and acting out on it with no fear of hurt or embarassment.

Investing in one's self?

What a concept.

Tending to me is helping me to be better.

A better boyfriend.

A better friend.

A better son.

A better me.

Are you investing in you?

Relationships, Breaks, Break-ups

"The Next Time" - G. Chambers

I have a friend who I called this weekend. I was in his neighborhood and got the urge to reach out to him. 

I got his voicemail. I almost hung up, but decided to leave a message. He called me while I was still on his side of town and told me that he and his boyfriend of one year have decided to take a break.

A break?

I was dumbfounded. I mean, this couple from the outside-looking-in had it all together. 

Anyways, I finished up doing what I was doing (at a birthday party for my boyfriend's nephew) and went to talk to my friend.

He was obviously hurt but taking things in stride. His boyfriend claimed that he needed to take some time to get his "s**t" together, figure out if a relationship is what he needs right now, and if so, come back to him as a better person. 

Kudos to my friend because he listened to what his boyfriend had to say and immediately commenced to packing all of his man's things into his car. His boyfriend tried to stop him, because he was not expecting that reaction, but could not take back his words. My friend dropped him off at a relative's house and was now back in the apartment that they recently moved into together. 

I was not going to let him sit back and look at those walls for the weekend so I made him pack an overnight bag, leave his car and come with me so we could talk, keep him company and make sure his spirits were kept up. to keep his spirits up.

We had the best weekend and a Saturday night that should be illegal in many states across America (hahaha).

It made me realize something though. Love is a gift. One never knows when it will leave or no longer be there. 

It also made me wonder why some people get into relationships and then realize that they might not want to be in one... only they don't realize this in the beginning, but wait until another is completely invested (emotionally, financially, physically). 

Is this what causes someone who might not have been jaded to become jaded? I understand that we all bring past hurts with us to relationships, but when do we draw the line and allow current love to take precedence?

Especially when some of us wait so long for love. I have been lucky to experience it several times in life. I had one boyfriend in my early twenties, another one that I spent the last half of my twenties with and a new man who I love deeply now that I am thirty. What I have I want to hold on to and see it grow. 

I encouraged my friend to look at this situation as a positive. His boyfriend is younger than him, but I feel very mature for being able to say what he said to my friend. Their break, in my opinion, will be just that... a break! They obviously have the open lines of communication that a relationship needs in order to work. When they decide to commit again, the sky is the limit. At least, I hope.

Is love worth it? I sure hope so.

Staying In My Lane/ I Have Been Changed

"The Greatest Love Of All" - W. Houston

Two posts for the price of one:

STAYING IN MY LANE

I have to learn to shut my mouth and open my ears.

As you all know, I have a boyfriend who is raising kids with his ex-boyfriend. It is even more complicated than that, but there is no reason to put ALL of the business out there.

Well, I love the kids to death. I spend time with them and listen to the things that they say which in turn casues me feel a deeper connection and a want to do things for them.

There is only one problem. They are not my kids. I can go only so far when it comes to my opinions about their upbringing, birthdays and actions. I definitely need to do better about not speaking ill of my boyfriend's ex when it comes to his interactions with the kids. I have to remember, that at least at this point, I am not a stepfather. I have a boyfriend who has kids. That being the case, I should stay in my lane and just help out where I can and not voice my opinion about others. The good thing is that my boyfriend is really good with the kids (I am peeping that in case we ever have kids of our own).

I HAVE BEEN CHANGED

A year ago, I was adamant about one thing. I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with children. I didn't want them and I did not want to be around them.

Bottom line: I thought that they required too much attention.

What a difference a year makes. I have been bitten by the bug and see things that are bigger than me.

I really want my own kids. (Please everyone, close your mouths! This is not a test!)

It has been on my mind for a minute. I often wonder how different life would have been if my boyfriend and I would have been together three years ago when the opportunity to take in his nephews presented itself.

There is something about watching a little person grow into something that you helped create (whether biologically or by being a caretaker). I am not too geeked up about changing diapers or waking up in the middle of the night but I am emotionally ready to take the plunge.

I think I would be a really good father. I pretty much helped raise my younger brothers in the early stages of their lives. I come from parents who really gave their all as parents. The man, who I call my father, is really my stepfather and I love him to death because he stepped into a situation that was foreign to him, loved my mother, even though she had kids that were not his and created a life with her and ended up having more kids, adding to our family. He gives me inspiration.

We will see how things go.

If My Life Ended Today...

"Even If" - A. Larrieux

... I would walk into the light with a smile across my face.

I feel blessed to say that I have had the opportunity to love and live life.

I have loved God.

I have loved my family.

I have loved a man or two.

I have even experienced reciprocated love from all of the above.

Second to loving God, I am most proud to say that I have loved myself.

I've never hid from who I am, never hated what I have become and never wanted to trade my life for anyone else's.

True, things haven't always been stellar, but through the hard times, I found strength that I did not know that I had and learned to appreciate the good times even more.

I definitely could have a different outlook though.

When I was 13 my brother who was 3 at the time fell in our family pool at our house. He was under water for an estimated 15 minutes before my brother found him. The accident left him in a vegetated state for two years. We took care of him. He passed away when he was 5. Fluid built in his lungs. Essentially, he drowned again.

Guilt overtook everyone in my family. My family had been cleaning the pool area the day prior to the accident. Though we never talked about it, I know that my dad felt guilty because he was the last out of the pool area and forgot to lock the gate. My mom felt bad because she was home when the accident happened. She was cleaning the kitchen while my brother was playing in the backyard. I felt guilt because my mom asked me to give my brother a bath, but I chose to let him play in the back so I could take a shower first.

How different would life be now had one of those things been different? What if my dad locked the gate like he always did? What if my mother would have made my brother a sandwich while she was cleaning the kitchen like she always did? What would have happened had I given him the bath before taking a shower like I always did(he would not have been able to go outside after the bath)? 

My life's path was changed fifteen years ago. His accident and death still sit with me as the most painful time in my life. He was the only person in my life, even to this day, who did not judge me. He was so young and wanted nothing but my love and attention. Prior to his accident, whenever I walked in the house he would stop what he was doing and run and hug me. Every time.

I could have gone crazy and never recovered from the pain of losing my brother and (at that time) best friend. Instead, I learned what I consider my life's greatest lessons from knowing him.

I learned to put others needs before mine. True, I am going to get mine, but ever since his accident, I refuse to push myself to the front of the line or be too self-absorbed. Some people view me as being a pushover, but I am aware of my actions and do it in honor of my brother. Had I not taken a shower and given him a bath instead things would be totally different now.

Also, I learned what unconditional love felt like because of him. I also learned how to show it. I wish I had one more chance to look into his eyes and tell him how much he meant and still means to me. That is why I don't miss a chance to express my feelings to those that I love. I literally understand the saying, "you never know if you will have another chance."

Fast forward 15 years.

Life is different, but I still live by the same principles. The two characteristics that my brother inspired in me have carried and helped me sail through most of my life. I have seen the world, served my country, met a lot of people and am currently in love with a great man.

I really have no regrets in life.

Though I have no plans on going anywhere...

If My Life Ended Today I Would Walk Into The Light With A Smile Across My Face.

Love Her or Hate Her...

"Crush On You (Remix)"- Lil Kim

I LOVE HER!!!

The girl is BAD!

She is energetic, distinctive, quirky, and destined to be remembered.

To me, Lil Kim always makes a track hot.

In addition to her rapping, I love that she has presence and seems be fearless when she is onstage, often attempting things that are out or her range (remember her trying to SING note-for-note with Keyshia Cole on last year's BET Awards?) but making it memorable!

There are other female MCs who are definitely more credible than her (MC Lyte, Yo-Yo, Queen Latifah, MC Trouble-- may she rest in peace), but Kim makes the thing do what it do whenever she takes the stage.

Also, I love the fact that she is always surprising me. If anyone is watching ABCs Dancing With The Stars, Lil Kim is doing her thing! I had no idea she would last this long, but she is killing em! Her performance of "Jailhouse Rock" with partner Derrick Hough was one of the best routines throughout all eight seasons of the show!

Say what you want to say, but "Crush On You (Remix)," "Not Tonight (Ladies Night Remix)," "How Many Licks," "Put Your Lighters Up," and "Whoa" are still playing on my iPod.

I especially like when she is featured on other's songs. She did her thing with Keyshia Cole, Christina Aguilera, 50 Cent, Ray J (wait a minute, isn't that Brandy's brother?) and even Britney Spears.

All of her cds were stolen from me. It is time to get them again!