Just 4 Today...

Mr. Mom

"Make The Most"- N. Gourdin

I got my Jada Pinkett-Smith on this weekend when I babysat my boyfriends kids that he shares with his ex-boyfriend.

There was once a time when I shuddered at the idea of even being in the same room as children.

Well, not so much being the same room as them, but being in a room that contained my things! hahaha

All of that has changed though. In part, because of TallT's nephews (the kids his ex adopted when they were together).

I have had the opportunity to watch them grow up and develop their own personalities.

Loving the kids has been the easy part.

I was, at one time, concerned about ever liking TallT's ex. Though I am still not his biggest fan, I feel like I have reached a new level of understanding which allows me to enjoy his company.

When he dropped the kids off I actually invited him in and asked him to stay for the breakfast that I was preparing for the kids. (I KNOW!!!! ME! I, too, was very shocked!) TallT was at work and it gave the two of us an opportunity to chop it up for a second.

Something clicked in me and I realized that if this situation even has an chance of working it is going to require the adults to get it together... if for nothing else, for the kids that we all love.

On A Brighter Note

 

"Happy Birthday To You"- S. Wonder

My blog has gotten really depressing as of late, so how about a little good news for a change! LOL

June 18, 2009 marked my 31st birthday.

My boyfriend and my mother planned, unbeknowst to me, to get me to California for the day to spend the day with my family.

Before I knew it, my whole family was together for the first time in four years.

Not only that, but TallT's mother, brother and his girlfriend even showed up and had a great time.

We drank, ate, played pool and just enjoyed each other.

My dad even said the most beautiful thing to me in front of everyone and it was completely unexpected. I will save that for another post, because it deserves its own spotlight.

We took a lot of pics and I will post them in the Snapshots section soon. I just have to clear out some of the pics that are in there now (out with the old... you catch my drift!).

Anyways, thanks baby (TallT) and mom.

To have that combination of the people that I love together in one place on my birthday was the best possible birthday gift anyone could have gotten me.

 

The San Francisco Treat

"Get Up" - A. Larrieux

I could not have thought of a better way to spend Memorial Day weekend than with my man and friends.

TallT and I surprised our friend Xman by showing up at the airport to fly to San Francisco with him and his boyfriend, Bijai, for Xman's birthday weekend!

His boyfriend invited us almost a month ago and we jumped on it immediately! I can't believe we kept the secret for so long, especially since I almost spilled the beans a week ago due to a VERY strong margarita.

Anyways, the trip was darn near perfect. We each had a tense moment here and there, but corrected ourselves and all-in-all had an amazing time.

We flew into San Jose, CA on Friday night. We hit up Gay Day at an amusement park called Great Adventure. Afterwards, we headed to San Francisco at almost 2 in the morning to check into our hotel. All I can say is this... the sleep was amazing!

The next day we all woke up and had breakfast at IHOP. Who knew they had mimosas at IHOP? I surely didn't, but enjoyed two of them! hahahaha After going back to our rooms and getting ready, we hit up downtown San Francisco for some shopping, site seeing and eating (we had the BEST mahi-mahi fish and chips from Bubba Gump's on Pier 39)

We made it back to the hotel just in time to get changed for a night out. An old friend of mine from the military met up with us and we all hit the gay part of town in San Francisco, the Castro district. We partied, mingled, bar-hopped and ate some more!

On Sunday, Xman and his boyfriend had to go back to San Jose for a college graduation. TallT and I stayed behind and caught the BART (subway system) to the Castro district again and experienced it in the day time. There was so much fun stuff going on! Just walking the street was an experience in itself.

Xman and his boyfriend showed up after the graduation and reception around 7 or 8 pm. We went to a bar called The Lookout and before I knew it, we were hanging out with like 10 or 12 people that we did not know and they were buying us drinks. It was a good time. We then met up with some of Xman's boyfriend's friends and hit up two more spots before heading back to the hotel. Needless to say, I was EXHAUSTED.

Monday, before heading back to the airport, we spent the day in Union Square. We shopped, had lunch and enjoyed our last hours in San Fran. We even took a quick spin to the Golden Gate Bridge so that TallT and Xman could see it since it was their first trips to San Fran.

The flight back was nice and comfortable. Believe me, when I say that I was exhausted beyond belief when we got home. Sleep never felt so good!

Thanks Xman, Bijai and baby for such a fun weekend. It was EXACTLY what the doctor ordered. Happy birthday Xman and can't wait until our next trip! Love you guys!

(I have plenty pics to upload to the Snapshots section, but I left my camera's USB cable in my computer bag.I will have to upload them tonight.)

Did You Say It?

 

"Lifetime"- Maxwell

"Did you say it?

I love you...

I don't ever want to live without you...

You changed my life.

Did you say it?

Make a plan.

Set a goal.

Work toward it...

But every now and then,

look around,

drink it in.

'Cause this is it.

It might all be gone tomorrow."

- Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Season Five Finale

Relationships, Breaks, Break-ups

"The Next Time" - G. Chambers

I have a friend who I called this weekend. I was in his neighborhood and got the urge to reach out to him. 

I got his voicemail. I almost hung up, but decided to leave a message. He called me while I was still on his side of town and told me that he and his boyfriend of one year have decided to take a break.

A break?

I was dumbfounded. I mean, this couple from the outside-looking-in had it all together. 

Anyways, I finished up doing what I was doing (at a birthday party for my boyfriend's nephew) and went to talk to my friend.

He was obviously hurt but taking things in stride. His boyfriend claimed that he needed to take some time to get his "s**t" together, figure out if a relationship is what he needs right now, and if so, come back to him as a better person. 

Kudos to my friend because he listened to what his boyfriend had to say and immediately commenced to packing all of his man's things into his car. His boyfriend tried to stop him, because he was not expecting that reaction, but could not take back his words. My friend dropped him off at a relative's house and was now back in the apartment that they recently moved into together. 

I was not going to let him sit back and look at those walls for the weekend so I made him pack an overnight bag, leave his car and come with me so we could talk, keep him company and make sure his spirits were kept up. to keep his spirits up.

We had the best weekend and a Saturday night that should be illegal in many states across America (hahaha).

It made me realize something though. Love is a gift. One never knows when it will leave or no longer be there. 

It also made me wonder why some people get into relationships and then realize that they might not want to be in one... only they don't realize this in the beginning, but wait until another is completely invested (emotionally, financially, physically). 

Is this what causes someone who might not have been jaded to become jaded? I understand that we all bring past hurts with us to relationships, but when do we draw the line and allow current love to take precedence?

Especially when some of us wait so long for love. I have been lucky to experience it several times in life. I had one boyfriend in my early twenties, another one that I spent the last half of my twenties with and a new man who I love deeply now that I am thirty. What I have I want to hold on to and see it grow. 

I encouraged my friend to look at this situation as a positive. His boyfriend is younger than him, but I feel very mature for being able to say what he said to my friend. Their break, in my opinion, will be just that... a break! They obviously have the open lines of communication that a relationship needs in order to work. When they decide to commit again, the sky is the limit. At least, I hope.

Is love worth it? I sure hope so.

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life

"Put Your Records On"- C. Bailey Rae

Thank God for the weekend!

I was running low prior to it and am feeling much better now.

I did not lift a finger this weekend. I stayed in the house. I did not fold one stitch of clothing, slept all day (Saturday and Sunday) and had a marathon music/singing/dancing moment last night.

Thank you Mariah Carey and Smirnoff Vodka. I felt so free listening to all of her cds while singing along (badly, I might add! hahaha). I kept my glass of "adult beverage" in my hand the whole time (not spilling one drop!). I was in my own world and it felt GREAT!

I have been so concerned lately about everything around me. I have been trying to control everything instead of allowing life to happen.

Don't ask me why I am so on edge right now. I don't want to be, but for some reason, I can't help it.

I think it is because nothing in my life is set in stone right now. I am used to structure, but nothing is structured right now. I feel like everything is hanging on by a string.

Well, this weekend helped me to relax. It gave me time to reflect and decide what to do in order to get that structure back in my life. 

The first thing I realized is that I can't be SO concerned about others and their decisions (we each have our own stories and reasons we do the things we do). 

The second thing I realized is that I have to take time to relax (in my mind, I already have a nice warm bath waiting for me when I get home).

The third thing I realized is that I have to focus on the positive again. All of this negative stuff was around me back in the day, but I chose to focus on other things. It came across in my writing, my attitude and my actions. 

My quiet reflective time this weekend was just what I needed. I was able to be completely honest with myself about certain things.

My solo-music party was just what I needed as well. Dancing around in my underwear (hahaha) allowed me to free myself of so much stress and get in touch with my mojo again.

I didn't take myself so seriously. I was goofy. Life was exactly what it should have been in that moment.

I am still in a good mood.

You See It Your Way... I See It Mine

   

"If The Shoe Was On The Other Foot"- P. LaBelle

I feel the way I feel.

You feel the way you feel.

Sometimes we are not going to agree.

But it is my hope that we can find a way to at least meet each other in the middle.

I respect the way you feel. I hope that you respect the way I feel.

Because I respect the way you feel I will try my hardest not to put you in an awkward position.

But I refuse to feel awkward either.

I am a gay man.

It is not always easy because, as a gay man, I am sometimes hurt by the decisions my family and lovers make.

I have my imperfections as well and am capable of hurting the ones I love too.

We are all human.

During those times, it makes it hard to be a gay man.

I look forward to tomorrow though.

With time comes clarity for everyone.

With tomorrow comes another chance to get it right.

When I wake up tomorrow I will still be a gay man.

With all of my imperfections, insecurities, hopes, dreams and desires, I will be PERFECTLY gay.

Love it or leave it.

And The Band Played On

   

"(Let's Get Back to the) Fundamental Things" - M. Dolittle

I almost went down last week.

My tank was running on empty.

Things were heavy on my mind.

I could not shake the visions in my head.

It is amazing what time with friends, good conversation with the man I love, a good book, a nap, and a couple of good workouts can do to help heal the soul.

I feel stronger this week.

I might not feel like I can move mountains yet, but I am heading in that direction again.

When I get lost in my own thoughts, I have to remember the bigger picture.

I have a purpose.

I am here to motivate others.

Only when I am operating in my purpose is everything the way it should be in my life.

How can I motivate if I am down myself?

How can I motivate if I get lost in things I can't control?

That is why I am actively taking control.

I am saying what is on my mind.

I am feeling what is in my heart.

I am leaning on the belief that things will work out.

I am pushing forward.

Making Peace

  "I Wish You Well" - Jasmine Guy

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

My brain, body and spirit have been very busy over the last couple of weeks. With moving, getting my dogs back into my possession, furniture shopping and overall adjusting to my new life I guess one can say that I am EXHAUSTED!

With this exhaustion comes a much needed/appreciated sense of control over my life again that I am more than happy about having.

On the other hand, there are a couple of areas that I really need to make peace with. I have wrestled with both, but am ready to take whatever comes what may. I can only speak my mind once or twice and then just let the chips fall where they do.

The first area that I am adamant about making peace with is with my ex-boyfriend. I am so over all of the bickering and the ridiculous behavior. It didn't work and now it is time to move on. I no longer want to allow myself to be sucked into a web of confusion and hurt. I want to be keep things strictly professional between us. We have bills that we have to pay and that is it. Unfortunately, due to all of the stress and pressure he has brought to my life in the last few months, I have absolutely no urge to try to be friends with him. He will always see things his way and I am entitled to see them mine. Frankly, it is an impossible situation.

The second has to do with my current boyfriend's ex-boyfriend and the kids that they share. It is just too much to get into, but I really want to sit back and let my boyfriend work it out. My problem is not with him and his love and what he wants to do for the kids. Quite honestly, my biggest problem is that I don't trust his ex as far as I can throw him and I think that he is milking the situation. Mine and my boyfriend's conversations about the subject have been tense to say the least. Even though my grievances are with his ex, I feel like since the kids are involved it sounds like I am anti-them when nothing could be further from the truth.

Anyways, there are so many things going on in the world that are bigger than these two very small situations. Bottom line, my ex will probably always be that guy who acts the way he does (shoot, he is my EX for a reason!) and I have a feeling that I will always have some disdain for my current boyfriend's ex (I can see right through him).

Though I might not like either situation, I have to just let it be what it is and not let these two people take a front seat in mind or my life.

Everybody Ain't Able

"Live Happy" - C&C Music Factory

I sometimes forget how lucky I am. I mean, I am a black man in America and I have the freedom to be who I am and not hide behind any kind of facade. I am free to be the me that I want to be.

Living in Las Vegas and growing up in Southern California (two very liberal places as far as most things go...), I think that I grew up rather open-minded and accepting of a whole lot.

Well, I spent the early part of my 20s enlisted in the United States Air Force and that time allowed me to experience a life that was full of censorship and inequitable situations.

I had a taste of both and decided that I was going to live the life that would allow me to be the AUTHENTIC me and not the me that society said I should be.

I think I just lucked up when I moved to Las Vegas and fell in with TallT and Xman, two of the most self-assured men I have ever met. They just keep it real all of the time and I enjoy that about them!

My friends and I really do walk around Las Vegas and have never felt out of place because we are three gay black men. We just live our lives. Whether we are cutting up at a restaurant, walking through the casino arm in arm (all of us) or sneaking a kiss when we are at the grocery store (me and TallT!!!), it all just comes second nature... at least to me it does.

That being said, I think that a part of me forgets that not everyone has had my experiences in life and don't see things as cut and dry as I do...

If that were the case, there wouldn't be so many down-low brothas out there, right?

Heck, in some places people would probably get seriously gay-bashed for doing half of the things I do so freely in my day-to-day life. (I also think that standing at 6'4" and having a muscular 200+ lb. build helps enhance my sense of security.).

I have been to the South and I have also had plenty of dealings with my extended family. I know that there is little room for discussion when it comes to homosexuality. It is highly unfortunate, but true.

Writing this makes me wonder what direction my life would have taken had I never come to FULL TERMS of how I wanted to live my GAY life.

What would have happened if I would have given in to the fear of rejection from loved ones or the fear of a broken heart or failied relationship with another? What if I would have continued to only fulfill sexual desires with a man instead of also tending to my emotional needs as well?

What kind of life would I be leading?

Would it be any kind of life at all?

I am thankful for my BLACK GAY LIFE...

Shoot, everybody ain't able.